Confuzzled

Lately, I've been fairly confused. See, it's about this guy...

Okay, if you don't already know, I'm 15, and finishing up my freshmen year in high school. I've made plenty of friends this year, most of them first semester, but a few second semester (because they weren't in my first semester classes), including Matt.

I bet you can guess that he is sorta the cause of this confusion by now. Not too difficult, if you know anything about putting two and two together. Plus I just said it, so that makes putting three together.

Anyhow, I began to become friends with him at the beginning of second semester, when his schedule changed, and he was suddenly in most of my classes. I was barely considering him as a friend at that point, let alone liking him in well, that sort of way.

But my friends told me that he liked me. (or at least, that they thought he liked me) and I kinda dismissed it. I thought, well, even if he does like me, that doesn't change anything. And I really don't think that they're right anyhow.

Then there was the valentines dance. No, don't worry, nothing REALLY happened there. No weird random making out (as far as I know... there could have been some random people in the corner, but probably not, because the dance was pretty small and everybody could sorta see everybody else). But... Matt kept seeming to gravitate toward me... and that's when it first occured in my mind that he might like me.

Now, I have a weird thing where when I'm starting to become friends with a guy, I think about whether or not I would want them to be, you know, a boyfriend. I can't help that my brain does that... Anyhow, it was around this time that I was actually starting to be friends with matt.

Unfortunately, you can fool your brain into believing all sorts of things about what a person is like, and exactly how you feel about them as a result, particularly when that person isn't around for a while to stop you from making false assumptions. After the Valentines dance, we had an entire week off of school.

So, combine those two things, and I have a major battle inside of my own head. But my mind was set straight after break was over. I finally was able to more accurately figure things out... not much more accurately, but a little bit, at least.

I did figure out that I really didn't like him in that way. I just wasn't interested in dating him. But I became closer friends with him. And it didn't really come up again until maybe a month ago.

I don't remember what made me start thinking about it again. But something did. I thought that I liked him, then realized I didn't, and it just went back and forth. I suppose some part of me wants to like him, and the other part is absolutely terrified of admitting anything even to itself.

Eventually, I decided that I really did like him after all. And that my friends were also totally wrong about him liking me. Or, at least, there was no possible way that he would ask me out.

At the same time, I was still slightly confused, because I didn't want to have to deal with even possibly telling him how I felt. And then my friend asked me if I liked him. Well, she said that other people in my physics class were apparantly wondering. So I told her, "Yeah, I like him as a friend." and then she said soemthing like, "Well, they wanted to know if you liked him" and I said, (suddenly very defensive) "That's none of their business." Then, I shut my locker and walked quickly away before she could prod further.

See, I didn't want to admit it in the middle of the school hallway, when I hadn't even gotten around to telling my best friend. (whom I tried to tell the night before, actually. But before I could get her away from other people in a private place and actually say the words that are actually quite tough to say, her dad rang the doorbell to pick her up.)

But just a few days ago, I realized that I didn't really like him but I thought that I ad. It feels like it's going back and forth. I wish that I could just make up my mind! It's just so frustrating. And I keep wondering, what if he likes me and decides to tell me? Then what am I supposed to say? "Well, I don't know if I like you or not... let me get back to you, but I'll probably change my mind sometime after I make it up so this is really totally pointless..." Erm. No, I don't think I'd say that.